Love - No Comments » - Posted on January, 17 at 5:18 pm
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Learning To Love Yourself
By: Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott
Excerpted from If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules
At its core, loving yourself simply means believing in your own essential worthiness. It is nurturing a healthy sense of positive self-regard and knowing in your heart that you are a valuable link in the universal chain. Loving yourself also means actively caring for every facet of yourself. It shows up in every action you take, from putting on a sweater to protect yourself from a chill to leaving a job that does not fulfill you. It means tuning in to your own wants and needs and honoring them the exact same way you want your partner to attend to you.
Not everyone grows up to have an innate sense of high self esteem or worthiness. In fact, most of us need to work at it to some degree throughout our lifetimes. Each person feels insufficient in one or more areas, whether physical, intellectual, financial, or in interpersonal dynamics, emotional maturity, or spiritual growth. However, respecting, nurturing, honoring, and cherishing yourself is your birthright and something you can learn.
Loving yourself is the best way to learn how to love. Love is an action that requires certain understandings, skills, and capacities. By practicing loving yourself, you train yourself to advance to the next level - loving another.
Only when you have successfully mastered taking care of your own needs can you know how to extend that same attention to others. When you respect the validity of your own thoughts and feelings, you can apply that consideration to others. When you believe within yourself how valuable you are, you can then bestow authentic affection on a partner.
If your objective is to play the game of love and win, then learning self-love is the first step you must take. Before you can roll the dice or even place your playing piece on the board, you need to tap into the inner reaches of your heart and soul and discover all that you are worth.
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Life, Success - No Comments » - Posted on December, 12 at 4:28 pm
икони цени
The Power of Wanting
Excerpted from: If Success Is a Game, These Are the Rules,
and written by: Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
When you want something – really want it – there is an internal hit that goes off inside you that responds “yes.” That impulse is as strong when you are five years old reaching for a toy as it is when you are fifty reaching for your dream home. The energy that is unleashed in that moment of desire creates one of the most powerful and magnetic forces in the universe.
When I was 21 years old, my then-husband and I knew we wanted to backpack around the Hawaiian Islands after graduation. We both deeply wanted to take this trip, to explore the raw and astonishing wonders of Hawaii that no tour bus could ever reach. We wanted to give ourselves the chance to live off only that which we could carry on our backs, to connect with the greater world of nature. Real life was upon us, and we wanted to pause and take a moment to have an experience like this before turning our attention to careers and the business of building a life.
I wanted this adventure so much that I would have done almost anything to make it happen. Despite limited funds and the disdain and protests of some family members, Bill and I strapped on our backpacks and went. The three months we spent exploring hidden caves, meeting indigenous people and learning about the ancient customs, eating fruit we picked with our own hands, and swimming in secluded grottos remains one of my most precious memories. The success of making that trip a reality was among the sweetest I have ever known, I doubt, however, that it would have happened if we had operated from a sense of “it would be nice to backpack in the Hawaiian Islands, wouldn’t it?”
Think of a moment, sometime in your life that you knew with every fiber of your being that you wanted something. It could be a particular trip, or a specific relationship, or even a piece of your grandmother’s famous cheesecake. Would you have moved the heavens to attain your wish?
Wanting is a deep desire that emanates from within you. It defies reason, logic, and rational thought. An undeniable feeling, yearning for something special emerges as a flash of how things might be. Fleeting albeit, the feeling is clearly undeniable. Whether the impulse is to redecorate your bathroom, take a trip, or close a deal, “wants” are moments of inner truth. They are the secrets of the soul.
Wants whisper without license. Out of a hidden place, a want will blurt the dare-not-say secret tucked away from view. Flashes of desire might create adverse effects because a “want” will push you to risk. Wants ask you to move out of your comfort zone and do something different. A ticket to a new adventure, wants are sure to bring both challenge and change.
Want vs. Need
My friend Adrienne once remarked how much she liked a particular pen I own. It is a special ergonomically designed pen that makes writing by hand more comfortable, and it’s therefore slightly more expensive than ordinary ones. When I suggested to Adrienne that she get one of these pens, since she, as a journalist, often writes by hand, she recoiled and said, “but I don’t need it.”
“Yes,” I said, “but do you want it? I know you don’t need it, but I asked about wanting. What happens to your wants?”
Adrienne had no response other than the one she had been programmed to give her entire life: if she doesn’t need something, then she can’t have it. Her “wants” are disqualified as extraneous, unnecessary and superfluous.
Many people, like Adrienne, operate from a place of need. Getting their needs as opposed to their wants met is drilled into their psyches from a very early age. Somewhere along the line, they received the subtle but corrosive message that wanting is selfish, unnecessary, indulgent and frivolous. As a result, they come to believe that they should only fill their lives with those things that they need. Because “wants” to them, are extraneous luxuries that they somehow came to believe they did not deserve, they feel intense guilt whenever they allow themselves to fulfill their desires. As a result, when they do experience feelings of desire, in order to avoid the guilt feelings, they either deprive themselves, or convince themselves that they actually need what they want. They rationalize their want and turn it into a need in order to justify getting it.
The basic difference between a want and a need is that needs come from a place of insufficiency, whereas wants come from a place of sufficiency. When we need something there is a distinct absence. When we want something, we reach for something to augment or complement what we already have. Needs, of course, must be met for basic survival. But wants, also, must be met when appropriate for the sake of your happiness.
When you know what you want, and you give yourself permission to have it thereby fulfilling your desire, there is a release of delight and power that validates you as a person. This validation nourishes your self-trust, your self-confidence, your intuition, your basic belief in yourself. This reinforcement affirms your identity, your inner knowing and your reality. Each time this cycle occurs, it strengthens your authentic self.
This does not mean that you have free license to behave in unethical, immoral or illegal ways simply because you “want” something. It doesn’t mean that your desires can operate freely without any checks, balances or consequences. It does mean that within the parameters of the legal system, the cultural mores and intending to do the right thing, honoring your true wants will reinforce your belief in yourself. Assuming your desires are not harmful to yourself or anyone else, and that they are aligned with good intention, there is no reason why you should have to deny yourself the feeling of wanting something. Nor should you deny yourself the opportunity to go out there and succeed in getting it.
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Life, Success - No Comments » - Posted on December, 12 at 4:27 pm
Challenging Mediocrity
Excerpted from: If Success Is a Game, These are the Rules,
And written by: Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
There is a point of view that claims “Life is not a bowl of cherries” and, as the classic Rolling Stones song says, “you can’t always get what you want.” It is a whole paradigm that people buy into as a way to accept mediocrity in their lives and rationalize not striving for more.
That paradigm is in direct opposition to three basic assumptions I Have about people and their ability to succeed:
1. People have their own answers within themselves regarding what will make them happy.
2. They possess the personal power to cause those inner answers to become reality.
3. Anyone can have life be the way they want it.
These three assumptions, when held up against the negative paradigm, can feel either empowering or intimidating, depending on what you believe you deserve and which set of assumptions you operate from.
Whichever basis you come from affects the filter through which you perceive reality. If you subscribe to the negative, that is what you’ll get. Argue for your limitations and eventually they will win. If you subscribe to the positive assumptions, however, you have a far greater capacity to catapult yourself higher toward your natural place up in the stars.
You can deem yourself successful whether you get the bowl of cherries or convince yourself you are content with just the pits. The real question, however, is: Will you be fulfilled by a bowl of pits?
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Holidays - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:56 pm
If Holidays are a Game, These are the Rules:
Ten Rules to Make the Holidays Fun!
by: Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
Rule #1
You will be sent invitations
You will be invited to family events, parties, and functions. You may want to attend all of them, some or them, or none of them. What is important is that you dig a little deeper and determine what is attracting you to the events and what is causing you to draw back. In each event there will be pros and cons, both in terms of people, places, and potential occurrences. If you anticipate what might happen in advance and map out a strategy to successfully deal with potential difficulties, it will help ensure that things will go smoothly, and possibly be fun and fulfilling! Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1) When I think of (X) event, I feel___________
2) The reason I feel this way is because____________
3) I am concerned that __________might happen
The answers to these questions will help you pinpoint what your reservations, concerns, or fears are and in so doing you can create strategies to ensure that your concerns are not manifested.
Now answer these questions:
1) In order to deal with this concern, I must_______________
2) I can ask these people _____________for support
3) I can do ______________ to take care of myself and manage stress
Rule #2
You will be offered food
You will be offered food in various forms over the holidays. Some of the food will be welcomed and relished. Other types of food might be a temptation for you. Still other food groups might sabotage your overall health and eating plan and cause you to have a Negattack. Before you accept invitations, have a meeting with yourself and establish your game plan. Determine what are your: “Yes” categories, your “Maybe” and “One Bite” categories, and your “No go” areas. Make an agreement with yourself regarding all three categories, put it in writing, and sign it. Then before you go to any holiday event, read this document. If you feel seriously at risk, take a copy of it with you in your purse or pocket so that in case you get amnesia you can refer to what you previously chose and committed. You can have a “delicious experience,” but if you spend the rest of the night (or week) beating yourself up for what you ate, it just isn’t worth the rift created between you and you! Anticipate, plan, set yourself up for success and then finally, cause it to happen.
Rule #3
You will encounter people from your past
During the holidays you encounter people whom you love from the past and regret that you rarely get to see them. You also will encounter people whom you know you will see yet wish you could avoid them. People whom you did not anticipate seeing could easily throw you off center with their presence freezing you in your tracks. The first group of people is not a problem because they warm your heart and give you a wonderful feeling. The second group you can plan for because they always show up at annual events. The third group is the potential high-risk group. This group includes those to whom you have a high emotional reaction. Here are some steps you can take…
1) List anyone who might make you uncomfortable
2) Write out what you might say to them so you are not caught off guard
3) Determine what you want to do if you encounter one of those people so that your evening is not derailed
4) Acknowledge yourself for any and all strides toward functional behavior!
Rule #4
You will need to manage expectations
An expectation is the anticipation of something happening, based on past experiences; the expectation provides ideas and images of probable, possible, and also desired outcomes.
People will have expectations of you and you will also have expectations of others. This is normal and happens everyday. If you have shed ten pounds in the last six months, you might have a relative approach you and say, “You are looking so skinny! We must feed you, you’ll waste away to nothing!” You need to be prepared to respond to that statement, without slapping the person or inhaling a slice of pie. If a friend says, “I heard about your divorce. So sorry to hear about that, but we all knew it wouldn’t work out. It was never meant to be!” Think of possible responses that won’t alienate the friend. You could say, I feel the same way about your husband but this might not be so user-friendly. Anticipating what people might say prevents you from standing in front of the pumpkin pie speechless.
Rule #5
Stress is an option
Being stressed over the holidays is a definite option. If you simply go with the flow, count on being stressed. Holidays bring with them the challenge of managing multiple tasks and getting everything accomplished without feeling burdened or worn out. Cards, cooking, parties, decorating, gifting, shopping, and getting dressed up are all part of the holiday experience. They can be fun or burdensome. If you take the holidays in little bite size pieces, a little each day, so that you don’t overwhelm yourself, you will be able to manage better. Plan out what you will do when. Carve out appointments with yourself on your calendar or agenda and book in the activities. Watch out pressuring yourself to get everything done in the time allotted. Pressure during the holidays is not helpful. Take each activity, choose it, and make it fun!
Rule #6
Comparing yourself to others can be a trap
Julie is thinner. Megan has whiter teeth. John has a better wardrobe. Tony has a much cooler car. You can always find someone who has something better than you. There is no challenge to the comparison game. You can spend all your time noticing people who are better off or worse off. It doesn’t take a lot of intelligence to do that. Around the holidays this tendency can become totally out of control. There will always be a better host or hostess. There will always be someone who buys better gifts. There will always be someone who makes better stuffing or a tastier turkey. The opportunity here is to determine if you want to appreciate others for their level of excellence and learn from them rather than feel insufficient and diminished in their shadow. The choice is completely up to you. The holidays will be much more enjoyable if you can use the brilliance of other to inspire you rather than depress you. This holiday season use your journal to appreciate what you experience and not what you can do to improve. If looking down on others is your proclivity, then see if you can use your talents to teach, coach, or nurture their greatness.
Rule #7
Perfectionism can rob you of your joy
If you are “Perfectionistic,” you could actually ruin your holidays. Perfectionism means that you must be perfect in every way and there is no room for human error or mistakes. The pressure to be perfect can limit your experience of joy and satisfaction. Doing everything perfectly is not realistic and it is riddled with shades of insecurity. If you do everything perfectly it means that you close the gap for anyone to criticize you. It means that you cannot learn anything since perfection is the top of the line. It also means that if you don’t achieve perfection that you will beat your self mercilessly for not being the best at everything. To overcome perfectionism, you must give yourself permission to be human, to make mistakes, and to learn from those mistakes. If you can give yourself permission to be an imperfect human then your holidays will have the possibility of being much more fun than perfect.
Rule #8
Financial restrictions can make you feel small
You may be on a limited budget. In times of financial challenge you come to the realization that you need to change some of your spending habits from the past. What can you give that is a part of you? What can you offer that represents your creativity and generosity of spirit? What can you share that will express your caring without causing you financial stress? Consider making something for friends and family. If you bake, consider cookies or special nut breads. If you work with your hands, perhaps beaded items might be perfect. If you communicate well, perhaps a poem or short story might bring a smile and a warm feeling. When you give of yourself people appreciate the time, the thought, and the intention behind the gift that rarely comes with a store bought item. Remember that the greatest gift you can give to another is your love and that comes directly from the heart. Open your heart and let it speak with the words of love.
Rule #9
If you get stuck in the past you could miss the present
You may have hurts or wounds from the past as most people do. Perhaps you are spending this holiday season without a loved one who has always been present in years gone by. Suppressing the feelings doesn’t make them go away. Overriding them is not a solution either. If you are experiencing loss, tell the truth about the pain you experience. Then after you tell the truth allow your creativity to dictate some options to transcending the loss, or emptiness. You might wrestle with this because the memories keep drawing you back to familiar memories. Hang in there and persevere. You can overcome this. Focus on what would give you joy. Often focusing on giving to others gets our attention off of ourselves. Volunteering to feed hungry people, going to hospitals to distribute gifts, visiting a nursery or orphanage will allow you to give energy to those who are much more alone than you are. Ask yourself what would enable you to feel great about yourself and then just do it. You’ll be glad that you did.
Rule #10
Receiving graciously is an art form
Wouldn’t it be great if everyone always gave the right gifts? Yes, but we don’t live in a perfect world. People often give what they want to receive. They give what will get the job done with minimum stress. They recycle something that was previously given to them. As a result you receive something that you can’t even imagine exists on the planet. At moments like this you want to be gracious and grateful for the gift that says, “I tried even if I didn’t succeed.” At these times consider yourself as a “gift terminal.” Upon receiving something that you will never use or wear you can well imagine a person who will delight in the very same gift. In January there are “White Elephant Parties” that are given to exchange gifts that were mistakenly given to the wrong person. If you are not invited to one of these events, then throw your own party. Gather together all of the “mistakenly received” gifts and recycle them so that they finally reach the right person. Receiving graciously is a talent that requires that you look beyond the material gift to the intention of the person who is giving it. Connect with the intent and you will be filled with gratitude!
The holidays can go either way. They can be wonderful or difficult. To make sure that the holidays are precious times to be remembered for years to come you must do some preparation in anticipation of what might possibly happen. You must manage yourself and your expectations. You must deal with the unforeseen. If you do all of these things, you will have truly wonderful holidays that you will treasure forever!
Phone: (800) 321-6342 • www.drcherie.com • info@themms.com
©MMS Institute, LLC 2011
Posted in Holidays | No Comments
Difficulties, Holidays, Life - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:54 pm
Is Scrooge a Negaholic?
Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
Absolutely!
No question about it.
The real question is, are you a “Scrooge Negaholic” when it comes to buying gifts for those you love?
Do you have conversations in your head about:
• What they might buy for you?
• What they bought for you last year?
• What you should buy for them?
• What you should spend on their gift?
• What you shouldn’t spend on their gift?
• Whether they deserve anything at all from you?
If you are having conversations about gifts like the ones listed above, then it is time to address your strain of Negaholism.
No one is born with the generous giving gene. Giving is something that is learned over time from exposure to generous, thoughtful, and intuitive people. Giving is developed when you take the time to listen, to observe, to discover what someone really wants.
Choose the three names of people you have had mental conversations about, and write each one’s name on the top of a blank piece of paper. Then write down everything you can recall that you have given or done for each of them throughout the last year. Remember to include tangible and intangible gifts, random acts of kindness, as well as unique and fun experiences. If you can recall your gifts, it means that they were memorable, however, if you can’t recall them, it means that they blended in with the fabric of life and were easily forgotten. Take note of those gifts that you feel represent your spirit of giving. Ask yourself what circumstances surrounded the procurement of the gift. Ask yourself what contributed to the special nature of the situation. Recall any features that impacted the situation, timing, selection, or the sensitivity to the moment. Recalling these moments helps you validate what has worked and learn from what hasn’t. Awareness of what worked in the past is the first step in discovering your generosity for the future.
If this “Memory Lane” exercise didn’t work for you, here is a Present Day exercise called, “Know Thy Friend.” Take one person, your best friend and complete the Gift Giving Profile on either him or her. When you are complete rate how well you know this person.
Gift Giving Profile
Name of gift recipient:________________________________________ Date:_________
His/her favorite color(s): _____________________________________________________
His/her hobbies: ____________________________________________________________
Items which could augment a hobby:____________________________________________
Sports s/he likes:____________________________________________________________
S/he collects:_______________________________________________________________
His/her favorite pastime is:____________________________________________________
Types of music s/he likes:_____________________________________________________
S/he likes to read:___________________________________________________________
His/her areas of interest:_____________________________________________________
Things that s/he feels are needed professionally:__________________________________
Things s/he feels are needed personally:_________________________________________
Frivolous things that s/he would enjoy:__________________________________________
Things that are worn out and need replacing:_____________________________________
Things which would stretch him/her to a new level in some area: _____________________
Wishes, hopes, or dreams which you could encourage______________________________
Special items s/he would think were fun:_________________________________________
Special items s/he would think were amusing:_____________________________________
Things s/he likes to taste:_________________________ smell:_______________________
Things s/he likes to listen to:___________________________________________________
Things s/he likes the feel of:___________________________________________________
Things s/he likes to see:______________________________________________________
Things s/he likes the look of:___________________________________________________
Things for self-development or education: ________________________________________
Art s/he likes:_______________________________________________________________
Something good for work:_____________________________________________________
Something good for travel:____________________________________________________
Useful travel items would be:__________________________________________________
Custom made items that would be treasured by him/her:_____________________________
Desirable article(s) of clothing:__________________________________________________
Jewelry Preferences: stones:____________metal:_____________setting:______________
Furniture style and design:____________________________________________________
Gadgets that would be enjoyed:________________________________________________
Antiques that would be treasured:_______________________________________________
Practical items that would take some stress out of life:________________________________
Plants which are appreciated:___________________________________________________
Types of flowers or plants:_____________________________________________________
Favorite store to receive a gift from______________________________________________
Of the 40 items, how many did you know? Give yourself 2.5 points for every blank you filled in. Then score yourself. Do you think you know the person well? Did some of the items remain blank? The key here is really knowing who your recipient is, understanding what gives them pleasure, and what their preferences are when presented with choices. If you can answer all these questions accurately, then you know your person very well. Congratulations!
If you had difficulty answering the questions, then perhaps you need to get to know this person better. Perhaps you want to give him or her a subscription to a website where you can learn more about them…
You don’t have to overspend to give generously. Giving is about opening your heart and listening to the message that connects you, the giver, with the receiver. Giving can be creative, and find ways to bring a smile, ignite a twinkle, or touch the heart. When you change the way you see something, the way you define something, or when you put two seemingly unrelated items together you exercise your creativity. Creativity is looking at a challenge with new eyes so that you derive solutions that were not readily apparent before.
Generosity flows from you when your cup is full. Some people are naturally generous, while others must learn it. When the spirit of generosity has been ignited there is no end to the goodwill that you will spread to others. Generosity begets gratitude. The generous-grateful cycle is a spiral of positive energy exchange. The ultimate outcome of giving the right gift is creating joy and pleasure in the spirit of your receiver. The ancillary result is nurturing your relationship; the right “match” is made, your recipient experiences gratitude for you knowing, and understanding who they are and respecting their preferences.
This holiday season, don’t restrict yourself to a financial black box, but rather allow your generosity to manifest through giving creative gifts…magical moments…the gift of time…the gift of care…the gift of yourself.
If you enjoyed this article, you might want to visit www.drcherie.com and see our documentary (bottom right) and look at our online bookstore for The Art of Giving e-book, ready for you to download immediately.
Phone: (800) 321-6342 • www.drcherie.com • info@themms.com
©MMS Institute, LLC 2011
Posted in Difficulties, Holidays, Life | No Comments
Difficulties, Love - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:51 pm
Hurting, Healing, Helping
by: Chérie Carter‐Scott, Ph.D.
Opening yourself up to a new relationship isn’t always easy. Based on what happened in your last relationship, you may be hurt, have baggage, be in need of healing, and as usual, ready to help everyone else with their problems and concerns, while ignoring your own. If you can learn from everything that happens to you, then no hurt is insurmountable, no pain is insufferable, and no loss is irreconcilable.
Creating love is a process. Authentic love is built on the foundation of strong, intimate bonds that can only be formed through time and experience.
A partnership is a union between two entities, formed when both people believe that there is greater benefit in uniting energies, talents, and resources than in remaining separate.
In the love arena, two people come together to create a new reality. As both people move toward each other and connect in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms, they begin to move from separate “I” realities into a combined “we” reality, in which both “I’s” contribute to the greater “we.” Becoming a “we” means that you form a team whose intent is to travel through life together as a united force.
But what happens when things don’t work out, when your expectations are unfulfilled, when the dream becomes shattered into tiny fragments? That is when healing is required. If healing strikes a chord, then the following steps will be helpful:
- Treat yourself with tender loving care
- Process all the feelings associated with the unfulfilled dream
- Look at what you can learn from your most recent relationship
- Determine what you are going to do differently in the future
- Do extra random acts of kindness for yourself
Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as your self.” Truer words were never spoken. Yet how can you love anyone if you don’t first love yourself? The “You” in this relationship is the observer, the coach, the editor and the critic who surveys your thoughts, words, feelings and behaviors, and who determines how much of your essential self is shown to others.
The quality of the relationship between you and your “self” is paramount, for it is the one upon which all your other relationships are based. Your relationship with your self acts as a template from which all the unions in your life are shaped, setting the quality, tone, and manner in which you relate to others and how they relate to you. It establishes the working model of how to give and receive love. The depth and efficacy of the link between you and your “self” ultimately determines the success of your relationships with others.
If an authentic love relationship is what you desire, then the first natural step you must take is to learn to love, honor, and cherish your “self” as a truly previous and lovable being.
Therefore, in order to help others, you must first help yourself. Determine what kind of help you need. Perhaps it’s increased social time with your friends. Maybe you want to be introduced to some new possible dates. Church or an ongoing support group can help you connect and process the feelings from the past and help you get over the loss.
Whatever help you require, make sure that pride doesn’t stand in your way. If God had meant us to go through this process alone, he would have given each one of us our own island. We are all human, and reaching out for support, as well as receiving it when it is offered are part of the process of being human. You can recover from any broken heart if you allow yourself to feel the feelings, heal and learn the lessons, and love yourself enough to ask for and receive help.
If you like what you’ve read and would like to read more, visit www.drcherie.com/books.php to find more from author Dr. Cherie Carter‐Scott today!
Phone: (800) 321‐6342 • www.themms.com • info@themms.com
©MMS Institute, LLC 2011
Posted in Difficulties, Love | No Comments
Life - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:50 pm
The Anatomy of Choice and Decision
Excerpted from: Transformational Life Coaching, and written by: Cherie Carter‐Scott, Ph.D. and Lynn U. Stewart
The definition of choice is “to select freely from a series of alternatives that which you want.” A decision, on the other hand, is “a conclusion or a determination about something that is based on rational, logical, and reasonable facts and information.” Choices are intuitive, are driven by preferences, are satisfying to the self, feel right, and can stretch you outside your comfort zone. Decisions are rational, are driven by expectations, appease others, are often justified with reasons and explanations, and don’t necessarily require a stretch.
When we compare decisions and choices, we see that a decision is rational, where a choice is intuitive. A decision is logical and reasonable, while a choice feels right on a gut level. A decision can be explained by reasons, where a choice is based on personal preference. A decision is driven by external expectations, where a choice is driven by intrinsic proclivity. A decision appeases others, where a choice is satisfying to the self. A decision is comfortable, while a choice can be uncomfortable.
Conditions for making a choice are: There is either a statement of dissatisfaction with the status quo, or there is an expression of desire for something different from what currently exists. The person examines what he or she feels about the situation, explores what he or she ideally wants. The various options are reviewed, preferences are articulated, and the person selects the most desirable option. Finally, the person commits to his or her choice. Choices are intrinsically initiated and are all about making changes. When this progression is followed, the person making the choice experiences satisfaction and fulfillment.
The conditions for making a decision look like this: There is a situation that requires resolution. The person examines his or her expectations and the ramifications and consequences of each option. A decision is made based on those criteria or the “shoulds.” The outcome often results in reservations rather than a clear commitment, and the person deciding may end up feeling less than satisfied with the outcome.
Research has demonstrated that following one’s preferences leads to more long‐range and fulfilling outcomes. People who tend to operate cognitively are usually more comfortable making decisions. People who operate affectively (from their emotions) are more comfortable making choices. Both types of people are capable of making both decisions and choices; however, many people hesitate to make either one. The question that most coaches must face is why people are indecisive.
If you like what you’ve read and would like to read more, visit www.drcherie.com/books.php to purchase a copy of Transformational Life Coaching today!
Phone: (800) 321‐6342 • www.themms.com • info@themms.com
©MMS Institute, LLC 2011
Posted in Life | No Comments
Life, Success - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:49 pm
Recognizing Opportunities
Excerpted from: If Success Is a Game, These are the Rules,
And written by: Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
There are two kinds of opportunities in life: the glaring obvious ones and the hidden ones. The obvious ones are things like the promotion for the job you have been seeking, a marriage proposal from the person you love and want to spend your life with, or an apartment offered in the city where you have always dreamed of living. There are obvious opportunities that you can’t miss, because they are delivered to you in neon lights.
The second type of opportunity is not obvious and requires that you look beneath the surface. These are the ones you need to root around a bit to find. For instance, when your company merges with another and new positions are available. Perhaps you hear in passing that a business you are interested in is opening a branch office in a city close to your home. A friend invites you to go whitewater rafting on a river you have never seen. These opportunities require a little more exploration and excavation. These are the ones that make you say “Hmm. Maybe…”
The universe is constantly in flux. Change is a constant. Changes can occur in your private life or far away on the front page of the newspaper. With every change that occurs around you, an opportunity is presented. Usually it is buried beneath the surface, but if you are willing, you can excavate it.
Dave worked as an editor at a feature magazine. He liked what he did but wished he had more time to pursue his primary love, which was writing. One afternoon his boss called him into his office and handed him a story about a local true crime case with some fascinating twists and turns and asked him to research it. Dave took the story back to his desk and was immediately engrossed. As he worked on the story, he kept getting a needling feeling that this was a doorway to some sort of opportunity for him.
Dave didn’t sleep a wink that night. He tossed and turned as he wrestled with his thoughts. In the morning, as he was brushing his teeth, the message came through to him loud and clear: He wanted to contact the people involved in the story and write a book about it. It was an incredible tale, and he knew he could do an excellent job with a book. He knew he had the talent to do this, and since he kept up with true-crime books, he was fairly certain that it would be a marketable project.
Dave went to his boss the next day and told him of his plans. His boss supported the decision, although it would mean Dave would have to take an unpaid leave of absence. Within three months, Dave found a publisher for the book and is not spending all his time doing what he loves to do: writing.
This was one of those opportunities that did not come delivered on a silver platter. No one said to Dave, “Would you like to write a book about this story?” nor did anyone hold up a sign that said, “You should write a book about this.” It took a willingness on Dave’s part to peer beneath the surface of his everyday life and find an opportunity amid the daily events.
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Life, Love, Parenting - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:48 pm
The Five Levels of Communication
Excerpted from: Transformational Life Coaching, and written by:
Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. and Lynn U. Stewart
To be an effective communicator, you need to be aware of the five levels of communication. If you are listening closely, you will be able to discern the level of communication in the conversation. The five levels are:
1. Clichéd conversation. The first level of communication doesn’t require any investment or involvement from you. It is the most superficial level and consists of a greeting, a salutation, or a clichéd comment that doesn’t require any interaction.
2. Reporting the facts. Examples of the second level of communication are the newspaper, TV news and weather, or a report describing some happening, such as a sale or an upcoming event.
3. Judgments. At the third level of communication, you expose a part of yourself. This level involves judgments, which requires taking a stand on something.
4. Feelings. All feelings require you to expose part of your internal world. Feelings are more vulnerable than judgments, and at the fourth level you reveal your emotional connection to the subject matter.
5. Peak communication. This is the fifth and the most connected level. Peak communication happens between soul mates, twins, those with past-life connections, some siblings, some parents and children, some spouses, dharmic lovers, and other people who are deeply in love. Peak communication means that you are so connected that you rarely need words. You can complete each other’s sentences, and when one of you thinks something, the other says it.
Since setting the expectation of peak communication in every coaching session would be unrealistic, we set the fourth level as the goal. You may have sessions that reach the fifth level, but you will address those feelings in every coaching session that you do.
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Parenting - No Comments » - Posted on December, 6 at 3:46 pm
Ten Things You Can Do to Develop Children’s Self‐Esteem
Excerpted from: The Gift of Motherhood, And written by: Cherie Carter‐Scott, Ph.D.
- Show your love every day in clear demonstrable ways. For example, make a special food they like, or show up for their athletic event even though you’re busy. These actions show them that they are worthy of love, and reinforce the idea that they deserve it.
- Sincerely tell children that you love them at least once a day. Hearing it directly and clearly ensures that they get the message.
- Assist them in setting mini‐goals and help them succeed. Accomplishment makes people feel good about themselves. It will give your child reasons to be proud.
- Reinforce everything positive; notice what they’ve done right. This keeps your – and their – focus on what they do well, rather than on what they don’t.
- Have them see the opportunity to learn from each situation. When things go wrong, seeking out the lessons to be learned makes the overall experience less of a “failure” in their eyes. The less they see themselves as failing, the less they will beat themselves up.
- Make promises you can deliver; then always make good on your promises. Keeping your promises reinforces that your child matters. Broken promises signal that they are not a priority in your life.
- Provide structure – set clear, fair limits and expectations and adhere to them. When they know the rules, they can succeed by following them. Mixed signals lead to confusion and doubt about what they are supposed to do.
- Listen to what they have to say. Listening shows them that what they have to say is of value.
- Reward behaviors that you want to see more of. Celebrate their victories. They need to feel the delight of succeeding so they can be motivated to keep striving.
- Love them unconditionally, and process your own issues elsewhere. Children need to know you love them no matter what they do. When they know they are loved for themselves, regardless of what they do, they will enter the world proud to be who they are.
If you like what you’ve read and would like to read more, visit www.drcherie.com/books.php to purchase a copy of The Gift of Motherhood today!
Phone: (800) 321‐6342 • www.themms.com • info@themms.com
©MMS Institute, LLC 2011
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