Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on June, 18 at 5:49 pm
матраци
by: Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
No one is intentionally negative. No one deliberately tries to sabotage his dreams, desires and goals. No one consciously thwarts his opportunities for advancement, in his career, his personal life or in his ambitions.
A Negaholic seems to defy all of this. A Negaholic is someone who is addicted to Negativity in thought, word, or behavior. Having an addiction means that you cannot control the onset, the duration, or the termination of an action, thought pattern or a behavior. Negaholics cannot control the mental self fladulation, and self defeating tendencies which overtake their positive intentions. Our research shows that throughout the population, 7% have a mild case, 33% have a proclivity towards Negaholism, 29% have a serious problem, and 31% are full blown Negaholics. That means that 93% of the population is afflicted with some degree of Negaholism.
People become Negaholics after they have been unconsciously imprinted, by a childhood incident, in which they came to believe that they were “not enough” in some area. A young boy brought a report card home with a “B.” and was informed that it should have been an “A.” He then decided that he wasn’t smart enough. A girl playing in the school yard was teased because she was thin and her large ears stuck out, she then decided she wasn’t pretty enough. Any circumstance in which situations imprinted hurt, embarrassment, shame, guilt, or unworthiness could potentially result in the decision, “I’m not enough of what I’m suppose to be, and therefore I’m not O.K. This is the seed planting of Negaholism. Of course, the incidents could have been more severe, like having an abusive or ignoring parent in which the decision made was, “I’m not lovable.” A lifelong pattern could then ensue with a series of innocent people replaying the role of the rejecting parent over and over again. The Negaholism gets reinforced with each incident that even remotely resembles the initial one. The decision with reinforcement eventually grows into a belief system, becoming ever more fixed and solid in its view of reality.
The addiction is not merely a figment of one’s imagination, but rather an actual physical reality. The brain has chemicals called opiate peptides which are released when we engage in certain behaviors. For instance, adrenaline which is secreted into the system when there is perceived danger, or endorphins, which are released when we need added energy. The opiate peptides give us a chemical rush when we judge, criticize or diminish ourselves. It’s like a feel bad/feel good sensation. Think about it: you’re late for an appointment, and you hear a voice saying: “You knew there would be traffic. You should have left earlier. That was really stupid. Now you’re going to be late. It’s all your fault.” When you hear this voice escalate, it feels guilty, bad, and full of blame, however, on the other hand, you get a lot of attention for this behavior. You don’t want to repeat the behavior, but the behavior probably happens again. The reason you repeat the behavior is because you get so much attention every time you do it. Even though the attention is negative, it is still attention.
Humans thrive on attention. If you cannot get attention positively, then you surely will get it negatively. When was the last time that you congratulated yourself for being on time? or for not getting lost? or for not losing something? Why don’t procrastinators learn after the first time, and then stop procrastinating?
We usually don’t learn but we certainly get furious when we do the opposite of those behaviors. The feeling of receiving attention, coupled with the chemical addiction to the opiate peptides is what is addictive.
Negaholism takes four different forms: attitudinal, behavioral, verbal, and mental. There are fourteen different types of Negaholics. In the attitudinal group, there is the perfectionist, the never good enough person, and the slave driver. In the behavioral group of Negaholics, there is the procrastinator, the pattern repeater, and the never measure up person. In the mental group of Negaholics, there is the constant critic, the comparing contestant, the retroactive fault finder, and the premature invalidator. Finally in the verbal group of Negaholics, there is the bear trapper, the constant complainer, the herald of disasters, and the gloom and doomer.
The recovery process for a Negaholic is more than a dose of positive thinking. It is more than putting on a happy face, thinking happy thoughts, and reciting affirmations. Recovering from Negaholism is a lifelong process in which you reverse the self diminishing, self sabotaging, self-destructive tendencies within yourself and embark upon a healthy, supportive, constructive relationship with yourself free from judgment, criticism, or self recrimination. It needn’t always be as painful undoing the Negaholism as the initial imprint was, but it takes constant repeated daily reinforcement to counterbalance the Negaholic tendencies.
The first step is to acknowledge that you are a Negaholic. The second step is to avow to changing your relationship with yourself so that you begin to treat yourself (and those around you) with dignity, respect, and utmost kindness and gentleness. The third step is setting out to reverse the addiction, and shift the mechanism from negative reinforcement to positive reinforcement. Start by putting a pad and pen next to your bed, and before you go to sleep, write down 10 “pats on the back.” Shine the light of the day on the “good news,” the accomplishments, the things that worked. Write down a minimum of ten, notice how you feel, and let it sink in that this day was your creation. You have a choice, you can either lay in bed and reflect on all those things that you didn’t get done, what was wrong with the day, what your forgot, and how you screwed it up, or the opposite. Try it! Then promise yourself that you will do at least one nice thing for yourself each day from now on. Not only that, you will do the “nurture” intentionally so that you will experience the pleasure of the gift to yourself. It could be a bubble bath, watching the sunset, meditation, or going dancing, but it is an action that you do for yourself to express that you are worth the time, and spending the energy and in some cases the money on. You see, if you never have any time, energy or money left for yourself, you are sending yourself a powerful message. Wouldn’t you rather send the message that you’re worth it? You have a choice: to be a Negaholic, or to be “up.“ Which do you prefer?
Phone: (800) 321-6342 • www.themms.com • info@themms.com
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on May, 27 at 1:58 pm
Excerpted from: Transformational Life Coaching, and written by:
Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. and Lynn U. Stewart
An important step in cleaning the vessel is to eliminate anything for which you haven’t forgiven yourself and to resolve all “incompletes” from the past that are hanging over your head. This could involve not living up to your expectations; not being where you’d expected you’d be at a point in your life; taking the easy way out; doing something that isn’t in alignment with your values, morals, or standards; or being dishonest with yourself or someone else. If you have ever digressed from your standards or expectations, then self-forgiveness is required to heal the rift. Self-forgiveness is erasing an emotional debt. The debt you have with yourself is labeled “letting yourself down.” Forgiveness means that you release yourself from the emotional debt of guilt and shame. You officially release yourself from your personal prison. You can do this by writing a letter to yourself or creating absolution in a mirror. However you do this, make sure that you believe the process.
George had some issues with the IRS. He had neglected to pay his taxes for several years, and it hung over his head. When anyone discussed bookkeeping, accounting, or taxes, he immediately became sheepish and found a way to withdraw from the situation. When he heightened his self-awareness, he noticed that his issues with the IRS were keeping him from being connected to himself. He needed to take hold of the situation, address it, and resolve it to complete cleaning the vessel.
Maria always wanted to be a doctor. She went through premed classes, but when she took her MCAT exams, her scores didn’t live up to her expectations. As a result, she did not attend medical school, and she always felt incomplete. For her to clean the vessel, she needed to do one of the following: (1) go back and complete medical school, (2) officially release and absolve herself from this expectation, or (3) create an alternative career path that would fulfill her original objectives in substance if not in form.. It other words, she had to resolve this issue for herself once and for all.
This process of “cleaning the vessel” may sound overwhelming, but it is an ongoing process. Just like eliminating the clutter in your home, cleaning out your in-box, and deleting old e-mails are ongoing processes, eliminating the clutter in your consciousness becomes an integral part of your life. Take on the process one step at a time, and do something each day to eliminate “consciousness clutter.” Anything that appears to be a clothes pin on your consciousness needs to be cleaned out, forgiven, or healed.
If you like what you’ve read and would like to read more, visit www.drcherie.com/books.php
to purchase a copy of Transformational Life Coaching today!
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on May, 24 at 12:27 pm
Excerpted from: If Success Is a Game, These are the Rules,
And written by: Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
Success and failure are inextricably entwined as the moon and the tide, the mountains and the valleys, and the sunshine and the rain. Just as nature provides a sense of balance in the natural world, the universe provides equilibrium in the human realm through the experiences of highs and lows.
There is sound reason behind the adage that claims you cannot know the sweetness of success unless you have tasted the bitterness of failure. You cannot fully appreciate the joy of fulfillment unless you have traveled through the eye of adversity, been seriously defeated by setbacks, or had the crushing wave of disappointment knock you down so that you actually considered not getting up again.
Nearly every person who has ever succeeded has experienced setbacks. Perhaps they witnessed their dreams shattered, their aspirations scorned and ridiculed, or their goals dashed against the bricks of financial institutions. They have had to deal with frustrations, rejection, and disappointment and learn ways to rebound from their setbacks.
Most of us would prefer an obstacle-free, totally supportive, no-limit life. Who would not rather succeed brilliantly each and every time? But, as most of us are all too aware, life is simply not like that. There are hurdles to cross, roadblocks around which to maneuver, and, at times, setbacks from which to recover.
There will be times as you travel your path that you encounter obstacles. As you make your way, there is always the potential that you will fall, scrape your knees, and perhaps even careen off the embankment. Most likely you will experience moments that look like failure, that feel too overwhelming to face.
The challenge in those moments is to tap your source of determination so that you can pick yourself up, dust off the grit of embarrassment, wounded pride, or shaken confidence, and move forward. Of course, you will need to take the time to process your experience first, so that you may heal properly, and so that you can gain perspective and learn from what happened.
If you are going to succeed in life and consequently be fulfilled, then you must face the disappointments and failures that life deals you and discover the value inherent in them. No one likes disappointments, and no one likes to miss their mark. The wise ones, however, are not the ones who never falter. They are the ones who do and who use those setbacks as opportunities to grow so that they may venture forward toward future success.
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on May, 10 at 10:14 pm
Nobody likes being rejected. Your feelings get hurt, you feel unwanted, unloved, even discarded. You feel lonely, isolated, and not up to the mark.
If being rejected feels so bad, why then, would you want to set yourself up for rejection? You wouldn’t, of course, unless you were masochistic. But wait, aren’t there times when you expect to be turned down? Haven’t you noticed thoughts that tell you that your boss or loved one will never go along with your ideas? Aren’t there incidents, when you believe before you have any evidence, that you will be rejected?
Take a minute and ask yourself, Do you ever:
• tell yourself that you could never date someone because you think he is out of your league (too attractive, too successful, too powerful, too rich),
• tell yourself that you can’t lose the weight that you want, because you don’t have the will power, or because you like food too much,
• tell yourself that you “can’t” enter an athletic competition because you’ve never done it before, or because you don’t want to fail,
• talk yourself out of trying something new because you don’t want to look stupid (i.e., skiing, wind surfing, horse back riding),
Give yourself twenty points for each “yes” answer. If your total score is higher than 40, then you’re probably inviting rejection. This doesn’t mean that you look forward to getting turned down, or that you get a kick out of not getting what you want, but rather that somewhere in your subconscious mind you are setting yourself up for rejection. Maybe you have some beliefs tucked in the corners of your mind which are self-¬defeating. There may very well be some core thought patterns which dictate not only your behavior, but the way others respond to you as well.
You certainly weren’t born with these negative beliefs; they were learned or adopted in situations in which you experienced that you were unable, unworthy, or unlovable. Your decision about yourself may be based upon a misunderstanding, a misperception, or taking yourself to task for the reality with which you were faced. Whatever the reason, as an adult you now have some missing pieces in your self concept.
Your self concept looks like Swiss cheese with holes as vulnerable points of entry which get hooked whenever the past gets triggered. When someone says something to you which links your past experiences, it’s like a fish hook catching hold of one of the holes and dragging up a whole series of incidents complete with their reactions, feelings, and beliefs. Your vulnerable spot, your Achilles heel has just been found out, and you are rendered powerless. Caught in The midst of a past incident, you not only have to deal with the present rejection, but with the past unexperienced traumas as well.
Part of you, as a result of the past, anticipates rejection, and by doing so is actually programming yourself for that which you’re avoiding. It’s a strange and perverse law of the universe, but you attract what you resist. The energy you expend on resisting acts like a magnet drawing to you that which you want to avoid.
When you feel rejected, your instinctive reaction is to cover up and pretend nothing ever happened. You suppress your feelings and act as if everything is fine; you deny and avoid reality: the hurt and the pain. The opposite knee jerk reaction is to fall apart and wallow in the feelings of rejection. You become dysfunctional, and succumb to the tyranny of the feelings. Either one of these responses is counterproductive, they don’t get you what you ultimately want.
Your subconscious rejects yourself first, and then others then mirror your internal response.
This is not to say that external rejection isn’t real, of course it is. If you are in telemarketing or sales, you must become accustomed to people saying “no” frequently. It is essential for you to build up callouses in order for you to do your job.
Learning how to manage your feelings is critical to dealing with rejection, specifically, feelings related to your self worth, and your self esteem. When you reject yourself or feel the pain of being rejected by another, you need to know how to turn the feelings of rejection into validation, positive self regard, and motivation towards success.
In order to manage your emotions effectively, you must be in touch with them. You must be able to feel, experience, and express feelings which are both desirable and undesirable. You must allow your feelings, sort them out, and then turn them into productive allies so that they work for you not against you.
What is rejection after all, but a feeling that you’re not wanted, not loved, not included or not good enough. The essential question is how you can turn rejection into success?
There are three key ways to turn rejection into success. They are:
1) An Attitude Adjustment. An attitude adjustment changes the way you view your situation by reframing the way you look at the facts. You take the current situation in which you feel like a innocent victim, and rewrite the incidents so that you appear to be the author of the scenario. You put yourself in the center of the drama and make yourself the leading man or
woman of the story. You delete any trace of victim, scapegoat, or martyr from your tale. Then you decree that certain incidents happened because you wanted them to happen, almost as if you willed them.
For instance if the man in your life just said “It’s over”, you would probably feel rejected. That would be an appropriate, normal response. The first step is to feel the feelings, and experience them totally: the loss, the hurt, the rejection, the disillusionment, and even the anger. After experiencing the feelings, tell yourself that maybe, just maybe it’s all for the best. Ask yourself how you will benefit from being out of this relationship and what you have learned. Determine what you want to do differently next time.
2.) Situation Alteration. If you are unable to adjust your attitude, or you just don’t want to, then you might pursue situation alteration. In this approach, you don’t change your attitude, you change your circumstances. You still experience and express your feelings, but afterwards you take a different tack. You come back even stronger.
In the situation with your leading man, you don’t accept what he said, and deal with your reactions internally, you respond by telling him what you want. You let him know that this relationship is two sided, and you want to negotiate your differences. You are open to hearing his concerns, issues, objections, and fears, but you are not willing to be issued an edict. If there is a decision to be made, you will make it together.
3) Future Strategizing. If you won’t adjust your attitude, and you can’t alter the situation, then you can strategize for the future. In this approach, you milk the situation for all it’s worth. You feel the feelings, learn the lessons and focus all of your energy on how you can plan for the future. Learning lessons means not having to repeat history. Either you can see it coming and avert it, or you can try on new behaviors which would illicit a different response.
In addition to the three approaches, you might also consider two other hot tips:
Plug Up the Holes. Each time a situation hooks an old hole, it is an opportunity to plug it up. Plugging it up means making it whole and complete so it is no longer available for hooking. There is only one way to plug up a discovered hole and that is with self love, validation, and positive reinforcement.
In addition, give yourself permission to be “imperfect”, to understand that from time to time you will make mistakes. You need to reach out for support when you slide. You cannot overcome old ingrained habits overnight, nor is it fair to expect that from yourself.
Self esteem, the antidote to rejection, is developed and reinforced under the following conditions:
• when you know clearly what you want
• when through your own efforts you cause your desired results to happen
• when you initiate or take action based on your own intrinsic motives, desires, intentions
• when you overcome obstacles and challenges and make the seemingly impossible happen
• when you live up to the standards and expectations you have set for yourself
• when you love yourself for no reason at all
Breaking old behavior patterns takes desire, willingness, courage, and perseverance. Don’t change because someone said you should, but rather try on new behaviors like pieces of clothing. If you like how they look and feel, then wear them more often. If you don’t like the new behaviors, then change them. Don’t get stuck in old ways of operating, most of all experiment!
If you like what you’ve read and would like to read more, visit www.drcherie.com/books.php to find more from author Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott today!
Phone: (800) 321-6342 • www.themms.com • info@themms.com
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on May, 1 at 12:14 pm
“Be the Change You want to See in the World” is a quote by Gandhi. I always liked this quote. With its simplicity it says volumes. It makes sense. Rather than judging or expecting others to be different, model the behavior that you want to see in front of you.
Recently I visited an old friend in Seattle. She is someone I really care about yet we have grown apart over the years. The purpose of the trip was to reconcile our relationship and see if we could be friends again. I left on the journey with a bit of trepidation. I had a lot of negative memories about the last time we were together. She had become more closed, distant, and aloof. I noticed that she was irritable, easily erasable, judgmental, and at times even volatile. It was upsetting to me, but what bothered me most is that when I would address any of her behaviors she became defensive and attacked me. I was afraid that this visit would be a repetition of the past and we might part company in breakdown. I was nervous and apprehensive about the meeting.
Before I left my home I resolved that I would not engage. No matter what barbs she threw out there, I would not take anything personally, nor would I defend or counter attack. I didn’t know if I could actually do this, but this was my goal. I noticed that in our last meeting I was part of the problem. My need to explain, justify, defend, or even help her improve all contributed to our last breakdown. She had never asked me for my help and when I freely shared my observations, she resented it. I was only trying to be helpful, but it backfired on me. I had learned something that I didn’t want to repeat.
As I sat on the plane I noticed my anxiety about the encounter. I questioned whether I was up to the challenge. I wondered if I could stop myself from judging her, if I could let her be, if I could stop trying to change her. I noticed that she had rejected my values and I felt hurt by that. That was something else I had to release. I knew this would be difficult but I didn’t know just how challenging it might be.
When I arrived she picked me up at the airport and immediately she commented on my clothing. She said, “I hope you brought a raincoat, after all this is Seattle!” I took a deep breath and noticed that I wanted to say, “but the weather forecast said sunshine, or you said the weekend looked like good weather” however, I held back and instead said, “I’ll pray for sun!” As we drove in her car she said, “We are going to meet some friends for coffee; you do still drink coffee don’t you?” I swallowed and replied, “I drink tea and I can always find something to drink. It won’t be a problem” I heard Gandhi’s words in my brain. Gandhi was a leading world figure, so maybe I am not up to the challenge.
Throughout the weekend I noticed that I would make statements and she would cut me off with rapier speed denunciations with her statement of the way things are, like “People are just not like that!” or “That woman needs to learn how to drive!” or “You need to eat. Even if you’re not hungry, you need to force yourself to eat!” or “The frog is an endangered species!” Each time she pontificated on how things are, I realized that I would need to breathe and restrain my knee jerk reaction. If I didn’t want to ignite the past dysfunctions I would have to choose different responses.
It might have been one of the first times in my life that I answered, “ok,” “if you say so,” “no problem,” “Whatever you say.” I was committed to be harmonious in order to neutralize the potential triggers. Ideally someday we would move beyond this level of communication, but for now, this was a good start.
I kept hearing in my head, “Be the change you want to see in the world” and I knew that this was my intention. What this meant to me is that if I judged her for being judgmental, I needed to suspend judgment and expend compassion. If I observed her wanting to control situations, I needed to relinquish control. If I saw her being the expert on all subjects, I needed to become the curious learner. If I heard her diminishing me or others, I would maintain neutrality and simply listen. If I countered with a positive comment, it would be like pouring kerosene on the fire. Neutrality was the best policy.
I also noticed that she never asked me a question about myself. When I shared about my life, she changed the subject. I thought, she either wasn’t interested or didn’t care, and then I caught myself going down that trail of feeling hurt. I knew this wasn’t in my best interest and I chose the high road and replaced the thought with, “This is just the way she is right now at this moment of her life. Let her be. Love her as she is. She doesn’t need my judgments. Be generous of spirit and focus on her needs. And, don’t take anything she says personally!”
This was a huge breakthrough for me. I found a way to live Gandhi’s words for two days. I actually was the change I want to see in the world so now for the first time I know that this is truly possible. The next step for me is to practice this more and more and become really adept at this. I am proud of myself because I achieved something that was previously an ideal and had now become a reality!
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on April, 24 at 6:50 pm
In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote her book about the five stages of Death and Dying. In that groundbreaking book, she listed the stages as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. Her premise was that when someone is informed that they are terminally ill, they first can’t believe it is true, this is called denial. They say things like, “This could never happen to me. There must be some mistake! I must have been given the wrong test results.” Denial is a stage that is disconnected from the reality of the situation.
Anger is the next stage. Anger starts to confront reality. Anger is an authentic response that reflects the truth of your feelings. Anger is uncomfortable, but it is connected and expressive.
Bargaining is the next stage. Bargaining is when the head bypasses the emotions. The head decides that there is a way to beat the system and tries to invent bargaining chips to use to buy time and change the proposed reality. Thoughts like, “If I eat really healthy, then maybe we can reverse the condition,” “If I stop drinking soft drinks and eating junk food, then maybe the tumor will dissipate,” or “ If I give to the poor, resolve my old relationships, and become kind and loving, then God will have mercy on me.” When all the bargains don’t pan out, then depression sets in.
Depression is the next stage. Depression is the condition when you lose all hope about the future. When Depression finally lifts, then Acceptance can finally be attained.
Acceptance is the state of coming to terms with the truth and letting it be okay. It is when you stop fighting what is and allowing it to be what is next on your path of learning in the game of life.
Whenever you deal with any type of loss you also go through these stages. When you lose your job, you can experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. When your mate tells you they want a divorce, you can transit these same stages. When your house is foreclosed and you lose your home, the same stages can again surface. When you lose your life savings the same stages can reoccur.
Each stage doesn’t have a time limit associated with it. A stage can last from a few minutes to several years. The length of time depends on several factors: the person, the severity of the loss, the volume of emotion locked up in the loss, the support surrounding the person, and the opportunities that are presented to let go and move on with life. When a person appears “stuck” in a certain stage, their friends and family may judge them. For instance, if you were laid off your job and you became “stuck” in anger, or you got “stuck” in depression after your spouse divorced you, people might choose to not be around you. They might talk about you in negative or concerned tones.
Each stage takes as long as it takes. Of course, you must seek out help and support to get through each stage because the five stages don’t process themselves automatically. As with everything, you must want to get through the process and “restart” life to be able to successfully transit the five stages.
When my father was ill with cancer I told him I wanted to visit. Since I was in California and he was in Florida, it required a bit of planning. He replied, “Wait until I get out of the hospital, and then come and visit.” I listened to him and made a note to book my trip. A few days after his surgery I received a phone call that he had had complications and had passed away. I was shocked and dismayed that I hadn’t listened to myself. I wished that I had gone to see him while he was still alive. I heard the conversations in my mind discussing what I should have done and then the commentary stating that I had respected my father’s wishes. I went back and forth many times. My two sisters and I flew to Florida for the wake and funeral. At a lunch meeting with my step-mother I asked, “Will there be a reading of the will?” She looked straight into my eyes and said, “There will be no need…he left me everything…and you girls…nothing!” My head was spinning and I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t breathing and I felt dizzy with disorientation.
When I came to my senses I realized that it was true. My father had disinherited all of his children. I hired an attorney and a private investigator to find out if everything was in order and what was, in fact, true. What I discovered was that there was nothing to do but accept the reality. At that time I couldn’t accept the reality that my father left us nothing, not a cuff link, not his backgammon board, not even a monogrammed handkerchief…nothing…not even a note…I was far from acceptance. I realized I had a lot of work to do.
It took me two years to transit all five stages until I finally reached the stage of Acceptance. When I did I was released from the torment of “Why? Why had my father sent this message to us (me)? What did he want to communicate? I finally found peace and framed my new reality in the words, “He believed in us…his three daughters, so much that he realized that we could make our lives whatever we wanted without his help, the family treasures, or any remnants from the past. He gave us the most powerful gift of all, the gift of empowerment!”
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on April, 17 at 6:40 pm
Fear and excitement are two prongs of the same fork. If you take the left road you go down the fear trail, and if you take the right road you go down the excitement trail. Fear is the expectation of unwelcome news. It is the anticipation of consequences that will directly or indirectly negatively impact you, for example danger, risk, or threat. Excitement is the polar opposite. Excitement is the anticipation of good news. It is the expectancy of something wonderful happening to you. For the most part we don’t need to learn how to manage excitement.
There are several types of fear. There is physical fear that you experience when confronted with a menacing animal, an attacker, or risk adverse consequences, like when your parachute won’t open. There is psychological fear that you experience when you consider what might happen if events don’t unfold as you had anticipated. There is the fear of the unknown that causes you to be out of control. There is pure emotional fear that you experience when you go to a horror film. Pinpointing the type of fear is important because that will help in dealing with the effects.
In addition, ask yourself, “Is this a real or imagined fear?” and, if the fear is real, “Can I do anything to control my circumstances?” both of these questions can focus you. If the fear is imagined, then you need to see what you need to do to focus on the positive and exciting aspects of life. Shifting the fear to excitement is possible when you are aware of your thoughts and can choose to change them. If the fear is real, then creating your action plan to move out of the danger zone and into the safety area will abate the fear. What you want to avoid is the paralyzing fear. This is when you know something dreadful is going to happen and you are frozen like a deer looking into headlights. This is unhealthy and can be catastrophic.
With the current state of the US economy, when listening to the media reporting on unemployment, the debt structure, and the corporate bailouts, you might begin to feel fear, especially if you are one of those who has lost…your job, your home, your retirement, your security. Losing in general is a fearful situation.
You want to take each situation one-by-one so that you don’t become overwhelmed. If you become overwhelmed you exacerbate your circumstances with YOU becoming yet another issue on top of all the others. If you lost your job, take a look around and notice which jobs or careers are recession-proof. See if you can spot those opportunities that make sense. For instance, a woman who had been laid off thought, “With all the foreclosures, the banks surely must need someone to clean out those houses.” She approached her local bank and offered her services and was hired. She thought about who might need what, and she put herself in the equation. Even though she had never done this type of work before she was inspired to declare her capability.
Another question you might ask is, “Am I an employee or an entrepreneur?” Employees always need someone to hire them, while entrepreneurs essentially find a need and fill it. If you are an entrepreneur, you will connect the dots while others are fixating on one dot. Employees apply and look for jobs, while entrepreneurs will make lemonade when someone hands them a bag of lemons. With the sale of the lemonade they will buy more lemons, and so forth. Even lemonade stands can turn a profit.
In my book, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, I tell a story about twin boys who have a birthday and receive the same present. The present is a barn full of manure. The first boy is appalled, makes an ugly face blurts out unpleasant comments to his father and storms away disgusted. The second boy excitedly grabs a shovel and starts digging. When asked why he is so thrilled he says, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” Therein lies the difference. When you can take a situation and turn it around, you take back the power. You are no longer a victim of your circumstances, nor are you riddled with fear because you have taken action.
The situation is not to be taken lightly, however, not everyone is suffering. Many are and many are not. Ask yourself, ”Do you want to be one who sits in fear of the next disaster or the one who determines to make a change and do something to alter their circumstances? “
Reflective moments are critical to dealing with fear. In review, these are the questions to ask yourself:
- Is this a real or imagined fear?
- Am I an employee or an entrepreneur?
- Which industries are stable, growing, and recession-proof?
- Am I willing to see the opportunities?
- Am I able to connect the dots?
- Do I want to make a change and do something to alter my circumstances?
- Am I willing to stop fearing and DO something?
- What am I willing to do today to change my situation?
Dealing with fear can be challenging, and the only one who can turn your fear into excitement is you!
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on April, 14 at 12:02 pm
Letting go is easier said than done.
When you wish something will happen and it doesn’t come together, you need to let it go. When you want to be hired for a job that you believe is perfect for you and someone else is hired instead, you need to let it go. When you don’t get accepted into the school that you were longing to attend, you need to let it go. When your partner tells you that they no longer want to be related to you, you need to let it go. There are hundreds of examples of shattered dreams, and you can recall some of your own as you read, however, the biggest hurdle to overcome is the experience of taking the loss as a personal defeat.
Unfulfilled expectations result in disappointment. Dealing with disappointment is never easy because you didn’t get what you wanted. People by nature like to have their needs and desires fulfilled. So it stands to reason that when you don’t get what you want, you will feel sad, angry, or even defeated. The challenge comes in overcoming these feelings and letting go of the hope, the wish, the dream, or the expectation.
There are three things that appear to be universally true about humans. First, we like being right, second, we like to be in control, third, we like to get what we want. If we are wrong, out of control, and can’t get what we want then we are most probably irritable, frustrated, angry, or depressed. The reason we react in this manner is because we have become attached to the outcome. Wanting something and seeing it manifest enables us to feel powerful and in turn feeds our ego. Attachment to the outcome of something means that our ego is invested in it happening.
However, no one can ever be in a state of being right, in control, and always getting what they want. The maturation comes in how you handle the growth that surfaces when you enter the discomfort zone. Do you pout, sulk, and have a fit? Do you complain, act like a victim, or bemoan your unfair treatment? Many people deal with adverse circumstances in this manner. They rarely learn from the experiences, and as a result, they repeat them over and over and over again.
Conversely, do you reflect on your situation and ask yourself some questions like: what can I learn from what happened? What could the lesson be that the universe wants me to learn from this? Could I possibly consider that there may just be something even better waiting out there for me that I don’t yet know about? When you ask yourself questions like this you start to become unattached to the outcome and you prepare yourself to let go. Becoming unattached to the outcome can happen when you stare the situation in the face and tell the absolute truth to the best of your ability. You cannot pretend to let go. You cannot pretend to be unattached. You cannot pretend to be unaffected by the outcome of the situation.
Learning to let go is one of the most important behaviors that a mature adult can learn. There are steps that you can take to practice effectively letting go.
The steps are:
- Tell yourself the truth about what you wanted to happen.
- Admit your feelings about the disappointing situation
- List the possible benefits that you might have gained from the actual outcome, and some pitfalls that might have happened if things had gone the way you wanted
- Consider that things happen for a reason and that this may be the very best outcome even though it wasn’t what you ideally wanted. Perhaps this is a “perfect” or ideal outcome even though you can’t see it at this moment. You might be able to see it at a later time when hindsight gives you a broader perspective.
- Turn it over to a higher power. Regardless of your beliefs, if you can turn to whom or whatever you believe in and ask for guidance of what this situation is here to teach you, you will be open to receive a new perspective. You will start to release control over matters that you cannot control and that is the beginning of “letting go.”
- Become unattached to the outcome of the situation by reflecting on the situation and asking yourself some key questions.
Consider the woman who was abandoned by her husband, left with an infant and no funds. She felt victimized, left and bereft. Her life was turned upside down. She felt out of control, wronged, and she wasn’t getting what she wanted. In order to turn the situation around she had to take charge of it, stop feeling disappointed, devastated, and distraught and get on with life. She had to do every one of the six steps over and over again when she felt she was slipping back into the old paradigm of command, control, and rightness. With the support of her friends, she persevered and triumphed. She found true, authentic love and made a magnificent life with the man of her dreams. She grew from the adversity that she overcame. How do I know this is true? Because I am that woman!
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on April, 3 at 10:25 am
We live in an addicted society. Think about it for a minute. Who do you know who isn’t addicted to something? The addiction might not be life threatening, but do you know anyone who isn’t addicted to one of these: sugar, caffeine, cigarettes, TV, gambling, alcohol, worrying, eating, the internet, shopping, sex, pornography, prescription drugs, recreational drugs, religion, or exercise? In fact, to some extent, most of us could be labeled “addicts.” But now you ask, “How do you define addicted?” When we use the word addicted, we mean: one who has given up their ability to choose their degree of involvement with a substance, process, experience or person. The experience of dependence on something outside of one’s self for a temporary state of relief, well-being, or euphoria. All addictions are the result of the pursuit of or the avoidance of a feeling.
Everywhere in society, there is the reinforcement of insufficiency. The solution to all your challenges is promised every minute on the TV, the Internet, and on bill boards. Problems range from tension, anxiety, stress, depression, arthritis, headaches, impotence, constipation, poor self-image, lack of sex appeal, rejection, love loss, to hair loss. You are told that there is an answer to your problem, and you can buy it, feel better, and experience relief, if only temporarily. Addictive behavior happens when a person forms an attachment to something and believes that his well-being is dependent upon its use. Addictions by definition are self-destructive. They erode self-esteem and create a ‘need-dependency relationship’ that often turns into a vicious cycle. In a sense, all addictions are external displays of Negaholism, the emptiness within, or ‘Hole in the Soul.’ Our society condones most addictions; since so much of the social fabric of our lives involves the acceptance of addictive thinking and subsequently behaviors we have become almost completely unaware of the addictive lives we live.
Why Do People Become Addicted?
Over the years, a series of different theories have been presented concerning the origin of addictive behaviors. The most traditional one suggests that the individual is lacking in willpower or moral character, and is unable to control his behavior. The second theory presents addiction as an illness. This theory removes the moral, judgmental stigma previously associated with addictive behavior. It releases the addicted person from personal responsibility and enables him to seek treatment without embarrassment or humiliation.
Our Negaholic theory concerns the triple imprint. The “cycle of negativity” usually starts with overwhelm. Overwhelm triggers the “I can’t” syndrome, which drives one to fill the “hole in the soul” with activities, substances, or processes. Often these activities produce short-term gratification and when the euphoric feeling wears off, overwhelm, confusion, doubt, fear, or emptiness return, coupled with embarrassment. The cycle repeats itself over and over again until the pattern is perceived as “normal” to the person. The feelings of embarrassment then lead to a Negattack…self-flagellation for engaging in an unacceptable activity. A Negattack is self-inflicted mental punishment.
Here is the curious part: How does self-negation relate to euphoria? If you are a Negaholic, every time you criticize, judge, or invalidate yourself, you release opiate peptides into your system. The rush that you feel when you punish yourself is exciting, albeit negative. People want to stop beating themselves up, but in fact; they feel unable to do it. Why? Here is the way the addictive pattern takes hold.
Where Do Addictions Originate
There are three elements that create conditions conducive for addictions.
1) Overwhelm is experienced in individual
2) Stress resulting from the overwhelm
3) Insufficiency or feeling unable to meet the challenges that are presented.
For example, “I’m not smart enough to do the task, not skilled enough to do the job, not attractive enough to have the relationship, not athletic enough to participate in the competition, not worthy enough to be really loved by a wonderful person, not intelligent enough, not sexy enough, not good enough, not powerful enough, etc.” The list can continue indefinitely, but the underlying feeling is that you aren’t enough of what you need to be, and therein lies the conflict. This is the origin of the “I can’t” person. The feeling of insufficiency is rarely addressed for what it is, and is most often avoided, we pursue remedies to fill the void and alleviate the emptiness. We attack the symptom and avoid the root cause. When you become addicted to negativity, you relinquish your power and become preoccupied or obsessed with something external to you. You believe something outside yourself is the solution to your problems. Your focus becomes increasingly external. The item makes you feel better, relieves your stress, and solves your immediate overwhelm. As an addiction increases, you begin to see it as a panacea to life’s problems and your behavior becomes increasingly compulsive.
The triple imprint involves:
• Psychological: the attention you receive when you experience a negattack
• Emotional: the drama or emotional charge you receive
• Physiological: the simultaneous feel good/ feel bad experience that locks in the addictive behavior pattern; release of opiate peptides into the system attack the immune system. The opiate peptides: B-endorphins, B-lipotropin, and enkephalin are substances, which are naturally secreted in the body, create a natural high, a feeling of euphoria. This feeling is addictive. Whether it is naturally induced or chemically induced, the result is the same: relief from anxiety, peace, well-being, and a temporary experience of complete and total euphoria. This feeling is addictive!
Summary of key elements:
1) The need for attention (common to all humans)
2) The inability to receive positive attention (withheld or unavailabile)
3) The ingrained habit of focusing on what is wrong (dysfunctional environment)
4) The opiate peptides - chemical high when being severely criticized
5) The simultaneous negative feeling, coupled with the excitement of the attention feeling good
6) The addictive pattern locks in, and one becomes a Negaholic, unable to choose to change certain behavior patterns
The Addictive Personality Traits
There are commonalities which people share that are under stress, come from dysfunctional homes. The ten addictive personality traits are:
1. Type “A” personality: drive, ambitious, competitive, hard-driving
2. Impulsive: sensation-seeking, exploratory, and a risk-taker
3. Compulsive: overly orderly, perfectionistic, and conscientious in the performance of activities
4. Quick-tempered, excitable, and irascible
5. Self-confident, uninhibited, energetic, and hyperactive
6. Rigid in thinking: a binary approach to life
7. Extremely sensitive to pain, as well as susceptible to physical anxiety
8. High novelty-seeking and low harm-avoidance
9. Sentimental and moody, with a propensity toward mood swings
10. Dependent on extrinsic rewards for self-validation: wealth, power, possessions, prestige, social acceptance
The Key Elements Which Underlie All Addictive Behavior
Immediate gratification. All addictions produce instant gratification. You feel better as a result of your involvement with the substance or process in which you indulge. It is enjoyable to experience the altered state (al least temporarily).
Simplistic thinking. You believe that “it” will make everything all right. You believe that “it” is a panacea capable of inducing positive psychological, emotional, and physical states, a well as relieving negative ones.
Skewed perspective. Your perspective becomes skewed and inaccurate. You are unable to perceive reality accurately. You begin to see people and situations as exaggerations of what they normally are.
Distorted priorities. Your priorities become distorted, and you become consumed and obsessed with you addiction as the most important thing in your life, above and beyond everything else.
Symptoms of withdrawal. As soon as you are deprived of the substance or the process, adverse consequences appear immediately. You experience unpleasant physiological, psychological, and/or emotional symptoms. You experience trauma at the thought or reality of separating from your addiction.
Overwhelming attachment. You are so dependent upon the addiction that you feel unable to function without it. A need/dependency relationship evolves between you and your addiction. You end up needing it to be happy and your well-being is contingent on having it available to you.
Loss of power. You feel powerless to alter you situation. You have relinquished your power to something or someone outside yourself. The situation has become bigger than you are, and you are unable to effect a change. You are a slave to your addictions.
Binary thinking. You are a victim of binary thinking. You view situations as black or white, either/or, right or wrong, good or bad, on or off, wonderful or awful. Life is perceived as a zero sum game in which the pendulum swings between two polar opposites with no happy medium.
Progressive and consistent stages of involvement. You need greater quantities of the addictive substance to satisfy the need within. You have built up a natural immunity, and in order for your addiction to have an impact you need increasing exposure. These stages include initial use, continuation of use, transition from use to abuse, cessation, control of abuse, transference to another addition, and, in three-quarters of the cases, relapse.
If any of this information resonates, there is a way out of this syndrome. You can:
1. go online: www.drcherie.com and purchase a copy of Negaholics: How to Overcome Negativity and Turn Your Life Around
2. Request information on Inner Negotiation Workshop (INW) to put an end to the cycle of negativity
3. Seek out an MMS Coach on www.drcheriecoaching.com and schedule a series of Skype sessions in the privacy of your own home
There is the possibility to overcome addictions, but you must take action because it doesn’t just happen on its own.
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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Uncategorized - No Comments » - Posted on March, 20 at 3:06 pm
Success is many things. It is both a concept and an experience, a moment as well as an evolution. It is the merging of your aspirations with reality; the weaving of your hopes and dreams with your daily tasks. It is simultaneously tangible and ephemeral, and gives the illusion of being universally quantifiable. Success is externally evaluated, yet intrinsically experienced; it is both objective and subjective. The true essence of success, beneath the visible markers and goals, lies in your own personal sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
- What comes to mind for you when you think about “success?”
- What are the images you see?
- What does it feel like in your bones to have succeeded?
- Do you imagine reaching the apex of your profession? Or do you imagine amassing great wealth?
- Does it mean seeing your face on the cover of national magazines or reading your name in “Who’s Who?”
For some people success may be any one or all of these. For others, it may be something entirely different, like perhaps earning enough money to retire at 50, or having their own art show in a gallery, or coaching their child’s little league team to victory.
To some, success looks like grand achievement, to others it resembles daily rewards, and still others measure it as the accomplishment of an underlying life mission. It may mean being a good friend, or raising socially responsible children, or being a loving grandparent. For some, the achievement looks like having lived ethically, honorably, or according to their values and conscience.
For many, finding or sustaining a romantic relationship or marriage is a goal. Overcoming a disability, hardship, challenge or obstacle is the criteria for some, whereas breaking records - athletic, financial, historic or scientific - is where fulfillment lies for others.
Since each person is an individual, comprised of their own visions and standards, each one defines success in their own way. My definition is probably not the same as yours, nor is yours exactly the same as that of other people you know. We are a constellation of individuals, each holding our own place in the cosmos and twinkling from within as a result of whatever gives us our own individual glow. The first basic rule of success, and perhaps the most important, is that there is no one universal definition of fulfillment. We each have our own, and every one is equally precious and worthy.
THE STANDARDS OF SUCCESS
The popular cultural definition of success in industrial nations is based primarily on three elements: power, money, and fame. It is assumed that if you are in possession of great abundance, have status or power, or are recognized as a celebrity, then you are, by society’s definition, “successful.” If you have even one of those three requirements, you qualify.
There is, however, one major problem with this definition: it is severely limited. It excludes a multitude of people who are successful in their own right, and who define success by an entirely different set of standards. These are the people whose bank balances may not be especially noteworthy, nor do they brandish significant authority, nor are they necessarily recognized when they walk down the street. Rather, these are the people who have realized goals and dreams that have been set from within, rather than those dictated by societal norms.
Consider the school principal who started a middle school that teaches children values and self-esteem and love of nature. Is creating an environment where children grow in healthy ways and develop awareness and values any less successful than the business tycoon who masterminds corporate buyouts?
Consider the person who volunteers at their local hospital to read to the elderly whose eyes can no longer perform the task. Is this person any less of a success than the professional ball player who scores the winning run as the most valuable player?
Think about the scientist who has dedicated her life to finding a cure for cancer. Is she only considered a success if she actually finds the cure? Do the hours and dedication she has put forth only count if the result is achieved? Is the success measured only in the culmination or is the commitment, the perseverance, and the pursuit valued as well?
What about the middle-aged man who leaves his law practice to pursue his dream of carving and selling canoes? If his delight is in doing what makes him happy, is he any less prosperous than the celebrity who grosses $10 million per movie?
Success is amorphous, and like the other vast intangible - love - there is no universal means by which we can measure it. What it means for one person may not resonate for another. It may be the collective goal of many, but it ultimately has only one true judge. You, and only you, can assess your success, for it is you alone who determine what it really means for you.
©Motivation Management Holdings, Ltd. 2009
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